We Are Not Broken

Narcissistic Abuse: Projection, Co-Parenting, and Protecting Children

By Mariah Clanton

Introduction

Narcissistic abuse is a deeply insidious form of psychological and emotional manipulation. It leaves victims disoriented, traumatized, and questioning their own reality. One of the most destructive tactics narcissists use is projection—accusing their victims of the very behaviors they are guilty of, turning reality on its head. For those of us trying to co-parent with a narcissist, the damage doesn’t end with us—it trickles down to our children, who often become targets or tools of emotional warfare. As a survivor of domestic violence and the mother of a three-year-old child with autism, I’ve lived this reality. Without the financial means to afford an attorney, my greatest defense has become documentation, emotional resilience, and a relentless focus on protecting my child from the toxic dynamics of abuse.

Understanding Projection: The Narcissist’s Weapon of Choice

Projection allows narcissists to avoid accountability while destabilizing their victims. In my experience, projection often appeared as false accusations—accusations of neglect, of alienation, even of abuse—when I was the one shielding our child from instability and harm. This pattern isn’t unique. As Baumeister et al. (1998) explain, projection is a defense mechanism where people assign their own undesirable traits or actions to others. For narcissists, this serves as both a distraction and a smokescreen. A narcissistic partner who is manipulative will accuse you of manipulation. If they are emotionally abusive, they’ll claim you are harming the child.

This manipulation leads to gaslighting, where victims begin to question their memory, motives, and even their sanity (Stern, 2007). When I was accused of being unstable or “difficult,” I found myself doubting my reactions—even when I was simply standing up for our child’s safety. Understanding projection for what it is—a tactic, not truth—has been essential to surviving co-parenting with an abuser.

Co-Parenting with a Narcissist: Navigating the Impossible

Parenting is already difficult. Parenting alongside someone who seeks to control, undermine, and manipulate you is an entirely different struggle. Narcissistic co-parents often do not see their child as a person but as an extension of themselves—or worse, as a tool to punish the other parent.

1. Setting Boundaries and Communicating Safely

Because I cannot afford legal representation, I’ve had to become my own advocate. Every interaction is documented. I only communicate through writing—texts, emails, or a parenting app—so there is a clear record. I keep everything focused strictly on the child. Personal conversations become traps, so I don’t engage.

These boundaries are life-saving. Baker and Ben-Ami (2011) emphasize that consistent communication methods and clear limits help minimize manipulation and reduce emotional harm to the child.

2. The Gray Rock Method: Starving the Narcissist of Drama

I’ve learned to speak in short, emotionless sentences. No arguments. No explanations. No reactions. Responding with “Thank you for letting me know,” or “I’ll take that into account” denies the narcissist the drama they crave. This is called the Gray Rock Method—becoming so boring and neutral that they lose interest in targeting you (Greenberg, 2016).

3. Documentation as a Lifeline

Because I cannot afford a lawyer, documentation is everything. Every email, every ignored request, every pattern of visitation manipulation—I keep it all. It’s not just for legal use (though it may become critical); it’s for my own sanity. It creates a paper trail that confirms what I know is real. It’s my shield against gaslighting.

4. Keeping the Child Out of the Crossfire

Our child, being autistic, is even more vulnerable to emotional disruption. I’ve had to learn not just how to protect them from active harm, but how to be a buffer from the chaos. I never speak badly about their other parent. Instead, I focus on modeling stability, love, and routine. As Warshak (2010) explains, parental alienation—intentional or not—can backfire. Instead, I empower my child through consistency, safety, and compassion.

Supporting a Child in the Shadow of Narcissistic Abuse

Children exposed to narcissistic parents often suffer from emotional instability, confusion, and anxiety. For a neurodivergent child, these impacts can be magnified. My child is sensitive to tone, energy, and emotional tension. Even small outbursts or inconsistencies can trigger meltdowns or withdrawal.

1. Validating Emotions and Building Trust

When my child expresses fear, frustration, or confusion, I listen. I don’t dismiss. I don’t correct. I say things like, “That sounds really hard,” or “I’m here and I believe you.” Narcissistic parents often invalidate a child’s feelings—sometimes cruelly. I’ve made it my mission to be the opposite: a safe harbor.

2. Creating Stability and Predictability

We have routines: bath time, snack time, reading time. They help anchor my child in a world that often feels chaotic. As Sanders and Morawska (2007) explain, consistent parenting fosters emotional resilience and secure attachment—even in the face of trauma.

3. Teaching Emotional Intelligence and Safety

As my child grows, I plan to have age-appropriate conversations about boundaries, respect, and manipulation. Not to vilify the other parent—but to equip my child with the tools I never had. Even now, I gently label emotions and behavior: “That’s called guilt-tripping,” or “It’s okay to say no if something feels wrong.”

4. Seeking Support, Even When Resources Are Limited

Therapy isn’t always financially accessible, but I’ve found support through online communities, parenting groups, and survivor circles. Just knowing I’m not alone has given me strength. And one day, I hope to access specialized therapy for my child—someone who understands autism, trauma, and the unique challenges we face.

Conclusion

Narcissistic abuse doesn’t end with the relationship. It follows survivors into parenting, into legal systems, and into every effort to protect their children. Projection is more than a mind game—it’s a weapon that distorts truth, upends reality, and complicates healing. Co-parenting with a narcissist is not co-parenting in the traditional sense. It’s surviving. It’s documenting. It’s protecting.

For those of us without financial resources, education becomes power. Boundaries become armor. And our children’s safety becomes our guiding star. Despite everything, healing is possible. We can teach our children what real love looks like. We can be the stable, secure parent they rely on. And we can break the cycle.

References